Are You Listening to Your Kids or Just Trying to Fix Everything?

"Mom, you just don't understand!"

If you've heard this classic line (or some variation of it) more times than you can count, you're not alone. As parents, we often find ourselves in a tug-of-war between wanting to solve our kids' problems and actually hearing what they're trying to tell us. 

It's a delicate dance, isn't it?

When your 13-year-old comes home, backpack hitting the floor with a thud, and announces they're never going back to school again. Your parental alarm bells start ringing. Is it bullying? Bad grades? A fallout with friends? Before you know it, you're rattling off potential solutions rapid-fire, while your teen stares at you with a mix of frustration and defeat.

Sound familiar? We've all been there.

But what if I told you that in our eagerness to fix everything, we might actually be missing the point entirely? What if the solution isn't to solve their problems, but to simply... listen?

In other words, our kids are far more capable than we often give them credit for. They don't always need us to swoop in with a cape and a solution. Sometimes, they just need us to lend an ear.

So, let's talk about how we can stop being fixers and start being listeners.

The Fixer vs. The Listener

Dr. Bhandari introduces us to three parenting personas: the Detective, the Fixer, and the Listener. 

Let's break them down:

• The Detective: "So, what happened? Who said what? When did this start?"

• The Fixer: "Here's what you should do..."

• The Listener: "I'm here. Tell me more."

Why listening matters more than fixing

You might be thinking, "But I have all this life experience! Surely, I can help solve their problems!" And you're not wrong. 

But consider this:

• Problem-solving builds resilience: When we rush to fix everything, we rob our kids of the chance to develop their own problem-solving skills.

• Listening builds trust: When we truly listen, we show our kids that we value their thoughts and feelings. This builds a stronger, more trusting relationship.

• Sometimes, they just need to vent: Not every problem needs a solution. Sometimes, kids (like adults) just need to express their feelings.

Becoming a better listener

So, how do we transform from Fixers to Listeners? 

Here are some strategies:

• Practice the "WAIT" technique: Why Am I Talking? Before you jump in with advice, ask yourself if it's really necessary right now.

• Use open-ended questions: Instead of "Did you have a good day?", try "What was the most interesting part of your day?"

• Reflect their feelings: "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated. Is that right?"

• Resist the urge to problem-solve: Unless they explicitly ask for advice, hold back on offering solutions.

• Create a judgment-free zone: Make it clear that they can talk to you without fear of criticism or punishment.

The power of "What" and "How" questions

Dr. Bhandari suggests using "what" and "how" questions to encourage deeper conversation. 

For example:

• "What do you think about that situation?"

• "How did you feel when that happened?"

• "What do you think you might do next?"

These questions show that you trust your child's ability to think through situations and come up with their own solutions.

Pro Tip: In your next conversation with your child, try the 80/20 rule of listening. Aim to listen 80% of the time and talk only 20%. It's harder than it sounds, but the results can be remarkable.

When we should put on our Fixer hat?

Being a Listener doesn't mean we should never offer advice or help solve problems. There are times when our kids genuinely need our guidance. 

The key is to ask permission first:

• "Would you like some suggestions, or do you just need me to listen?"

• "I have some thoughts if you'd like to hear them. But it's okay if you don't."

This approach respects their autonomy while still offering your support.

The bottom line

Listening isn't passive - it's one of the most active and impactful things we can do for our kids. 

So, the next time your child comes to you with a problem, take a deep breath and resist the urge to immediately jump into fix-it mode. You might be surprised at how capable your "mini adult" really is.

Remember, being a good listener doesn't mean you're not helping. In fact, by truly listening, you're giving your child one of the greatest gifts of all - the confidence to face life's challenges head-on. And the times you find yourself slipping back into Fixer mode, don't be too hard on yourself. Parenting is a journey, not a destination. We're all works in progress, learning and growing alongside our kids. 

If all else fails, maybe an occasional dad joke will do the trick because sometimes laughter really is the best medicine - even if it ends with your teenager rolling their eyes at you.