How to Communicate Effectively With Kids at Different Ages

Communication is the foundation of a strong parent-child relationship, but it’s also one of the biggest challenges for parents. As kids grow, their understanding of emotions, language, and social interactions changes dramatically, making it essential for parents to adapt their communication styles.

In a recent Big Little Emotions podcast episode, psychologist Dr. Chandana Bhandari shared invaluable insights on how communication shifts across different developmental stages. This blog explores why kids misunderstand parents, how brain development affects communication, and how to adjust conversations for toddlers, tweens, and teens.

Why Kids and Parents Often Misunderstand Each Other

One of the key takeaways from Dr. Bhandari’s discussion was that kids “feel” more than they “think.” Their developing brains process emotions much faster than logic, leading to frequent misinterpretations.

Podcast Insight: “Tweens and teens are feeling more than they’re thinking. They pick up on how things are being said more than the words themselves.” — Dr. Chandana Bhandari

For example, Dr. Bhandari shared a case where a parent told their child:

👉 “I have faith in you, but I also have a Plan B and Plan C.”

🔸 What the parent meant: “I don’t want you to feel pressured. You always have options.” 

🔸 What the child heard: “You don’t believe I’m capable of Plan A.”

This misinterpretation shut the child down emotionally, reinforcing the need for parents to check how their words are being received.

✅ Parenting Tip: Use paraphrasing to ensure understanding. Ask, “What did you hear me say?” to clarify any misinterpretations.

How Brain Development Affects Communication at Different Ages

Understanding how brain development impacts communication can help parents engage with their children more effectively.

🔹 Toddlers (1-5 years): Their emotional brain (amygdala) is active, but their language skills are limited. They express feelings through actions, tantrums, or simple words.

🔹 Tweens (9-12 years): Their dopamine system drives curiosity and risk-taking, but their emotion-labeling skills are still developing. They may misinterpret tone and body language, leading to unnecessary conflicts.

🔹 Teens (13-18 years): Their prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and decision-making) is still developing—which explains impulsive behavior and emotional outbursts.

Podcast Insight: “The prefrontal cortex fully develops by the age of 25. That’s why even college-going kids don’t always make the best decisions.” — Dr. Chandana Bhandari

How to Adjust Communication for Different Ages

Here’s how parents can modify their tone, approach, and language based on their child’s developmental stage:

🧸 Toddlers (Ages 1-5): Keep It Simple & Playful

✅ Use Visuals & Storytelling – Kids learn best through stories, books, and play. 

✅ Label Their Emotions – Instead of “Don’t cry,” say, “I see you’re sad. Do you want a hug?” 

✅ Give Choices to Avoid Power Struggles – “Do you want to put your shoes on first or your jacket?” 

✅ Be Mindful of Your Tone – Toddlers absorb emotions before words, so stay calm even during meltdowns.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Tweens (Ages 9-12): Give Them Autonomy & Respect

✅ Use Open-Ended Questions – Instead of “How was school?” try “Tell me something interesting about your day.” 

✅ Acknowledge Their Perspective – Even if you disagree, say, “I see why that felt unfair to you.” 

✅ Avoid Lectures & Nagging – Tweens tune out long-winded advice. Instead, have short, casual chats during activities like car rides. 

✅ Watch Your Body Language – They pick up subtle facial expressions and may misread neutrality as disapproval.

Podcast Insight: “Tweens often mistake neutral expressions for sarcasm or criticism because their brains are still developing emotional recognition skills.” — Dr. Chandana Bhandari

👩‍🎓 Teens (Ages 13-18): Listen More, Fix Less

✅ Be a Listener, Not a Fixer – Instead of offering solutions, say, “That sounds tough. What do you think you’ll do?” 

✅ Respect Their Independence – Avoid grilling them with detective-style questions. 

✅ Use “I” Statements Instead of Blame – Instead of “You’re always on your phone!”, say, “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk.” 

✅ Let Small Conflicts Go – Pick your battles. If eye rolls or sarcasm aren’t harmful, ignore them.

Final Thoughts

Effective communication isn’t about being the perfect parent—it’s about adapting your approach as your child grows.

💡 Key Takeaways: 

✅ Kids process emotions differently at each age, so adjust how you speak to them. 

✅ Paraphrasing (“What did you hear me say?”) prevents misinterpretations. 

✅ Be mindful of your tone, facial expressions, and body language—kids notice everything!

By practicing active listening and emotional validation, parents can build stronger, more trusting relationships with their children.

👉 Need more SEL tools for better communication? Explore Calm Kids Resources for books, printables, and activities!